For 8-years, I took an hour long commute into NYC to chain myself to a desk of a corporate job.

I fell under the spell of the “American Dream”, which became an empty pursuit of chasing money and material wealth.

This felt like being on a hamster-wheel that never stopped.

Everyday was the same boring routine of monotony and barely getting by.

I kept asking “there has to be more to life than this?”

There was no sense of joy, adventure or excitement when I woke up in the morning.

Instead, I felt trapped and stuck in a rut.

There was a sense of unfulfillment inside of me.

A longing for something with purpose and meaning.

I craved a career that filled me up inside by using my talents, strengths and gifts.

I wanted to have a positive impact on society and leave behind a legacy.

Something I’d be proud and passionate to create.

As each year passed, I would make a promise to get a new job.

But comfort and complacency set in.

I was existing at a bar that was easy to maintain and walk along.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have the tools or energy to break free from the matrix of the 9-to-5 corporate life.

I didn’t have confidence or discipline to change.

Self-doubt and procrastination held me back.

I didn’t know my own values or have any sense of self-awareness or identity.

This left me without a solid blueprint or the clarity to move forward.

I didn't know how to overcome my lack of direction, mission and life-purpose.

Like a lot of guys, I was always stuck in my head.

There was this constant loud internal chatter questioning my value and self-worth.

A berating voice shouting at me that I’m not good enough to date that girl.

Not good enough for that job promotion.

Not good enough to love myself.

Trauma from my childhood would come up.

Bullying at a young age decimated my self-esteem and confidence.

Sometimes I would feel not wanting to be on earth anymore.

I knew deep down there was a lot of unpacked shit to unravel.

But I was afraid to look at it.

I didn’t even know how to go about the process of healing these painful memories and letting go of the past.

This lead to bouts with depression.

I also had a propensity of thinking about the future too much and stressing about the big unknowns in life.

This became a major source of fear and anxiety.

To make things worse, I didn’t have any tools or guidance to deal with the challenges that modern day life throws at us.

I didn’t know how to de-stress after a chaotic workday or reset myself in a healthy manner.

The only things I knew were coping mechanisms ie. Netflix, porn, food, alcohol and partying which only numbed the pain, not getting to the root cause of it.

My emotional world like a big dark cloud.

A cocktail of self-doubt, anger and disconnection from myself.

A rotation of negative self-limiting beliefs and harmful patterns of thinking.

I was suffering in silence.

During this period of emotional unrest, I felt isolated and alone with my problems.

I didn’t have a close group of friends to turn to or how to ask for help.

A big reason for this is because boys are not taught how to be emotionally literate.

We’re conditioned by society to cover up our feelings, dismiss or disconnect from them.

I lacked the ability to express myself authentically, communicate my emotions or be vulnerable with another human being.

It felt like I was a fraud - hiding behind a mask in my social interactions with friends, family and work colleagues.

I was afraid of not being accepted for my true self.

I had a hard-time trusting people and barriers were put up to protect myself.

As a result, I didn’t know how to develop or maintain close relationships.

I lacked confidence in dating and being intimate with female partners.

I was also missing an essential key to my masculinity - the deep bond of brotherhood with other men.

In the end, I was denying myself the desires of intimacy and connection - something that is a basic human need for everyone.